When a Parent Has Cancer and
Becky and the Worry Cup
By Wendy Harpham MD

When a Parent Has Cancer and Becky and the Worry Cup are the products of Wendy Harpham, MD's personal experience helping her children deal with her diagnosis of cancer. When a Parent Has Cancer gives straightforward advice on how to talk with children about a parent's potentially fatal illness, how to help them cope with the changes in their lives that occur when a parent undergoes treatment, and how to help them learn and grow from the experience.

"If I had to give parents one piece of advice," says Harpham, "it would be to tell your children the truth in a hopeful and loving way. Your children need to be able to trust you, and honesty allows you to be their ally in the hard times."

She cautions, however, that there are many ways to tell the truth, and you need to know how much to tell your children and how to say it. For example, says Harpham, when her baby-sitter said to her-in front of the children-"Oh, you are going to the hospital for that awful medicine?" Harpham responded by saying, "No, I am going for that wonderful medicine that's hard to take but might make me well."

Try to look at the situation through your children's eyes and help them talk about their concerns advises Harpham. "Children worry that they won't be taken care of. They need to know that even though Mom or Dad may be sick, they will still be driven to soccer practice or to Mary's party. If Dad can't go to the soccer game, try to put a positive spin on the fact that he is resting so he can get well."

"Many children worry that they are going to get cancer, and must be constantly assured that cancer is not contagious," says Harpham. "They also need constant reassurance that they are not responsible in any way for Mom or Dad getting sick. Just as important, they need to know they are not responsible for their parent getting well. Just because they spilled the milk at dinner or fought with their brother and upset mom does not mean they are hindering her chances of getting better."

"The most difficult part for the parent is letting go of the fantasy that you can keep things normal," says Harpham. "You have to let go of your 'old normal' so you can create a 'new normal' that integrates your illness into your life in a man-agreeable way. After a cancer diagnosis, life is different. Trying to get back to the way things used to be before cancer is uncomfortable at best, a disaster at worst."

"Parents also need to forgive themselves for their imperfections and shortcomings. Maybe you aren't going to be the parent you thought you'd be-car pooling, coaching basketball, etc., but there are many unintended positive outcomes from a diagnosis of cancer. I think, as a result of all my family has been through, my children are equipped to deal with the world in ways that I never was. Cancer is horrible, but my husband and I have tried to use it to teach some valuable lessons. My children know more about how to express and channel normal emotions in healthy ways. They know about finding and nourishing hope when challenged. They know about faith."

Becky and the Worry Cup was written after a conversation with Harpham's daughter, in which she discussed what things helped her when her mom was sick and what things were hard. "I was surprised at many of her thoughts and feelings," says Harpham. "I would not have predicted some of the experiences she chose as being significant for her." Becky and the Worry Cup talks about chronically tired parents, parents that have to go away for awhile for treatment, low blood counts, etc., and suggests ways children can overcome some of the helpless feelings they experience when a parent is sick."

When a Parent Has Cancer and Becky and the Worry Cup are published by Harper Collins, and can be ordered at most book stores.

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When a Parent Has Cancer

My Mom Has Cancer, by Shari Lichtenstein LSW

"This is the story of my family and how cancer changed our lives," begins the book, My Mom Has Cancer written by Shari Lichtenstein, a mother, former teacher, and oncology social worker. My Mom Has Cancer, which is colorfully illustrated by drawings from children of current and former cancer patients, chronicles the life and feelings of 10-year old "Dan" after he learns his mother has cancer.

"From my work with cancer patients and their families over the last 13 years, I've learned the importance of involving children in the treatment of their parent's cancer," says Lichtenstein. "At times it can be difficult for the parents who are feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed with their own feelings, to help their children. My Mom Has Cancer can help comfort children and assure them that other children have parents with cancer and are experiencing similar emotions."

Although the book can be read alone by children, it's best read together by a child and an adult. "Reading it together with your child will encourage communication," says Lichtenstein. "It's important for children to express their feelings, even if they are painful. Those feelings need to be validated so the child feels secure enough to ask questions that will help him deal with his parent's cancer. My Mom Has Cancer provides a safe vehicle for the child to share the emotional turmoil he's feeling, and work through some of those issues with a loving adult."

My Mom Has Cancer can be ordered from Ruby's Ink, PO Box 697, Deerfield, IL 60015. Single copies are $12.50. Ten or more copies are $11.50. For orders within the U.S., add $2 per book for shipping and handling. For orders outside the U.S., add $4 per book for shipping and handling. Make checks payable to Justice Research Institute.
Volume 8-August 1997.

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My Mom Has Cancer